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The Truth is Larger Than the Facts
By: Wendy Nickerson, Psy.D
When we try to make sense of a situation in our life that is confusing or distressing to us, we often rely on the facts to give us answers, clarity, and resolution on the situation. This is because the facts are more visible and easier to distinguish. Because life is so complicated and we operate on many different levels, physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual and energetic; the facts provide minimal evidence as to what is actually going on. The facts originate from our egos, however, there are emotional, spiritual, and energetic processes taking place too, that often get overlooked. It's sort of like, it's not what is said, but how it is said and the intent from which it comes. This can most often be seen in problematic sexual relationships and in job-related challenges, In Love or Money!
Regarding love, let's talk about a client, Angela, who is asking, "Why didn't my relationship last?" She goes on to provide me with the facts:
- I felt so close to him.
- He was very good to me.
- He said he would never leave me and that he would always love me.
- He even bought me beautiful jewelry.
- He was so honest with me.
- He said he thought I was beautiful.
- He said he had never met anyone like me before.
- My dog, Charlie, adored him.
- We went for long walks in the park together.
- We spent every Sunday in bed. He served me breakfast.
If you only focus on the facts in this situation, it is unlikely that a deeper understanding of what happened and ultimately a resolution will be achieved. This is because the truth entails the facts, the process, and the life theme. Until we understand the totality of this situation, we can never gain insight into how to stop it from repeating itself. The truth is:
- All of the above, plus….
- Angela gained more experience and became a little better at learning how to receive and give love.
- Angela's unconscious theme of having a father who distanced himself from her reared its head.
- In this relationship she created a potential opportunity to heal the original pain related to her relationship with her father.
- This relationship offered an opportunity for Angela to become aware of her theme and change her unconscious beliefs accordingly, that relationships last as long as they need to.
- A process happened in this relationship interaction. Angela later realized, "I was sometimes distant/disconnected with him because I didn't trust that relationships last (unconscious became conscious) and I needed to protect myself. I inserted doubt in the relationship without even realizing it, actually undermining the process of trust. I left pictures of my ex-boyfriend on the mantle and often spoke of him."
- By inserting doubt in the relationship, Angela created a lower vibration or dense and heavy energy between them. This energy feeds negative and fearful thinking. This is the trickiest part of the situation because we cannot see the energy that is being created and ultimately taking the relationship down a negative spiral. In essence, it is like getting caught in a downward world wind, only it happens in slow motion. Once you get in it, it is like quick sand, and difficult to get out of.
- The only way to prevent this from happening is to change your unconscious beliefs about relationships, and your theme about relationships. This way you prevent the fear thoughts, negative actions, and heavy energy from taking you down the spiral.
It's important that we see how we create our own difficulties in relationships based on our unconscious beliefs and life theme. Until this is corrected or altered, the situation will repeatedly manifest itself with different partners. It's not so much about the partner's dynamics (we tend to blame them), it is about our own theme.
Another example is conflict in the workplace. When we have conflict in the workplace, the workplace is a substitute for our family and we use the workplace to recreate unresolved family of origin dynamics and themes. Usually the theme involves a parent (boss) or a sibling (co-worker). Barbara, a client in her mid-thirties, is frustrated with constantly having problems with her managers in every workplace she has ever been in. She tells me:
- I follow the rules as best I can.
- I am a team player.
- I am pleasant to everyone around me.
- I probably work better and more than the others.
- I am always there to support and encourage others.
- I don't react if anyone insults me or wrongly accuses me.
- I try to stay out of interpersonal conflict between my colleagues.
- I am the first one there in the morning and the last one to leave at night.
The truth is:
- All of the above, plus….
- Barbara gained more insight into how she may be contributing to this dynamic through this work experience.
- Barbara's unconscious theme of having an unaccepting and critical mother reared its head. Barbara wants acceptance from her mother, therefore she is attracted to jobs and chooses jobs where her boss is critical and non-accepting.
- In this relationship she created a potential opportunity to heal the original family of origin pain related to unacceptance from her relationship with her mother. Ultimately, the theme of not being good enough.
- This relationship offered an opportunity for Barbara to become aware of her theme and change her unconscious beliefs accordingly, that we must accept and love ourself.
- A process happened in this relationship interaction. Barbara later realized, "I sometimes completed jobs that were less than perfect, and I realize now that I was actually testing my boss. I wanted desperately to be accepted, whether me or my work was perfect or not, (unconscious became conscious). I realized that I see myself as less than, picked on, and not fitting in, based on the family that I grew up in, and that I take on the victim role in the workplace and acted accordingly." This came through Barbara's body language and through the energy that she emitted to others. The only truly visible part of this was her actual actions. When she was asked to do better or be better, she became frustrated and angry all over again, and acted out in little ways like being late for meetings, not returning documents on time, and forgetting to relay messages to her boss. She inserted doubt and anger in the relationship without even realizing it, actually undermining the process of trust or any other higher vibration.
- By inserting doubt and anger in the relationship, Barbara created a lower vibration or dense and heavy energy between them. This was not visible to the naked eye, however this energy ignites and feeds negative and fearful thinking for both she and her boss. It spiralled from there. Again, this is the trickiest part of the situation because we cannot see the energy that is being created and ultimately taking the thoughts, assumptions, and interactions down a negative spiral, usually of one person blaming the other, ultimately with nothing getting resolved.
- The only way to prevent this from happening is for Barbara to change her unconscious beliefs about work relationships, and her theme about power and self acceptance. This way she can prevent the fear thoughts, negative actions, and heavy energy from taking her down the spiral.
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